On Sunday it will be 2 weeks since we found a lump in Jeremy's lower abdomen. The next day our family doctor told Jeremy he didn't know what it was. Thursday of that same week Jeremy went for a CT scan. The emotions between those two appointments were a roller coaster for sure. We had ourselves convinced the night before the CT scan that it was just a really big hernia. Maybe it was hopeful thinking, but it felt so good to think we had this thing figured out.
We were told we would get results from the scan at a follow up appointment the next Monday. Instead that very same evening our doctor called. I sat beside Jeremy while he talked to the doctor. He wrote "tumor" on a piece of paper. We couldn't believe it. More emotions. We called family and asked them to pray and we prayed.
The next Tuesday afternoon we met with a surgeon. He didn't make things rosy and nice. He was very kind, but he told us the truth and answered our questions. Jeremy would need a biopsy to see what we were dealing with. He told us there was an 80% chance that this was cancer. I'm glad I couldn't see our faces. It wasn't pretty I'm sure. If it's lymphoma then it can be treated with chemo and maybe not surgery. If its sarcoma it will need need a complicated surgery. Not done in our town or by this surgeon. A 6-8 hour surgery with a 7 -10 day stay in the hospital. Probably in Baltimore or NYC. I didn't know how to hold back the tears. I get upset when my nice little life and my nice little routines get messed up. We left the office and Jeremy went for blood work. I sat in the waiting room. I felt like I couldn't breath. I wanted to talk to someone. I tried to make a call, but cell service wasn't available. We left and I cried. You know that kind of cry where you almost can't get it out because it almost hurts too bad? Suffocating.
Two days later Jeremy went for a CT guided biopsy. I love when I can leave my children with someone and drive away with Jeremy. Usually. These appointments just feel wrong. It's hard to believe that we're living this, but we are.
I'll back up. One huge piece of this puzzle is missing: God. We have never experienced the presence of Holy God like we have in the last two week. We've never been so desperate for peace and answers. The facebook comments and emails and phone calls and cards are astonishing to us. People we don't even know are praying for us. We often feel peace when we really shouldn't. Jeremy is digging deeper in the word and praying and getting closer to God for hours at a time. He often hikes at our local park or around our neighbor hood to pray. We are holding on to words given to us and we keep thinking 80% still leaves 20% chance for noncancerous.
How am I? So many have asked me that question in the last 2 weeks. My immediate response is "Good". How shallow we Christ-followers are I'm learning to say "Good" and mean it because I know where my foundation is. I know that "God will never leave me or forsake me". But my husband could die. Yes, that seems to be how my thoughts go back and forth. Sabrina, believe for healing. The ultimate healing is heaven. It might not be cancer. It's very rare for a 33 year old man to have 13cm tumor. Then one son yells that he has no clean underwear and the other one is hungry and life goes on. How in the world am I living this? How did I go from planning next years school curriculum and dreaming about dressing up Callie for Easter to talking about test results, cancer, chemo, surgery. But maybe it's not cancer.
"When you pass through the water, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers the water will not sweep over you; when you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze" Isaiah 43:2
So many questions and yet one thing remains: God will be worshiped and glorified. We have an appointment with the surgeon on Monday at 1:30. We'll have to wait until then to know what the next step is. We will never be the same for these last 2 weeks. I hope that no one reading this has to talk through what we have walked through and yet I know many have walked through much worse. However, if this is what it takes to realize that today is a gift and that tomorrow is no given and that worshiping God and loving our neighbors enough to reach out and love them then I think it was worth it. NOTHING matters except the very important.
I've written so much and left so much out. We appreciate your prayers so much. I cannot begin to tell you how we have felt carried through this time. We still have really low times, but we're finding that ice cream or other things don't satisfy like prayer and worship.
We spent the evening together as a family. I had thought of running to a store quick, but when I remembered that I have no grantee of a family night next Friday night I knew I had to stay home. We could be sitting in a hospital next week or we could be right back here in our back yard running races. I don't know, but I can't take today lightly. No one knows what tomorrow holds.
"Therefore, since Christ suffered in His body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in the body is done with sin. As a result he does not live the rest of his life for evil, human desires, but rather for the will of God" I Peter 4:1-2
God is glorified.
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