February 2012 in Words

(wrote this several weeks ago, but never posted it...)

February 2012 began with lots of anticipation.  Lots of exciting things to come.

I spent the first weekend with 3 friends I've had since childhood.  What a rich weekend.

The next weekend Jeremy, the kids and I left for Ohio.  The plan was to relax at my aunt and uncles house where my parents were also visiting for the weekend.  We would then move on with mom and dad to a pastor's conference 2 days later.

Plans don't always turn out as planned.

Sunday night. I remember the call.  It's the kind where you hear half of the conversation.  Joyce said hello.  Silence.  She sat down.  Her head in her hands.  Everything seems to stop.

Grandpa, mom's dad, has had a severe bleeding stroke.  We're 7 1/2 hours away.  We feel helpless.

Waiting.  Suddenly our weeks plans are unstable.  Should we jump in a car and head back to PA?  Should we go on to the conference and hope grandpa lives or be ok if we don't get to say goodbye?

Sleep.  It seems unreal to try to go to sleep when someone you love is fighting for their lives.  We expected to wake up on Monday morning and get the news that grandpa had died.  However, the next morning we hear he has stabilized.   They still do not expect him to live long.

New plan.  We decide to all go back to PA.  Somehow sitting in a conference just doesn't seem like the thing to do.

7 1/2 hours back home just two days after we had left expecting to be away for 6 days.  We drive straight to the hospital.

5th floor.  How ironic.  We get off the elevator and I realize that if we walk straight ahead we enter the wing of the hospital where our 3 children were born.  Life.  We turn left instead.

I tell Grandpa goodbye and that I'm proud of him.  I'm jealous he'll get to see Jesus before me.  I tell him I think it's great that he gets to meet Howard and Vestal and Jake and Anthony and George and Glenn.  He seems to try to smile.  Maybe it's nothing.  I'll remember it as a last connection with Grandpa-.

Waiting.  How long will this go on for?  We start to hear words like Hospice and home.  On Wednesday Grandpa is moved home.  I stand in grandma's kitchen and talk.  Just like normal, but totally different and wrong.

How long?  Some say it could be weeks. I woke up early Friday morning.  It feels like spring.  How long Lord?  It seems to be the first thing into my thoughts each morning.  I hear a bird chirp.  I picture Grandma and Grandpa's house on an early spring morning.  Always birds.  Always such a sweet safe place.  How long?

6:40 -Mom calls to tell me Grandpa's not doing very well.  She was going to come over to see the kids for awhile this morning, but thinks she should just stay with Grandpa.  6:50 -Mom calls.  Grandpa's gone.  So soon?!  Jeremy leaves to be with the family and help to plan the funeral.  This seems odd and yet right.  Pastor and family.  How does this work?

Relief.  It's over.  Sadness.  I don't mourn for Grandpa.  I will miss him for sure.  My heart hurts more for me, but mostly for Grandma.  How do you live with someone for almost 62 years and then suddenly be alone?  Will these tears ever stop?

Family is such a blessing.  Brandon flew in from Oregon.  So good to see him, so sad too.  Other cousins traveled too.  The whole week has been a gathering of family.  Grandpa was a rich man.

Monday night is the viewing.  I'm holding it together until I walk into the funeral home.  What am I doing here!  It's a brief moment of panic, but it passes.  It's ok.  He's not here.  What a peace.

Tuesday morning.  Jeremy leaves early to prepare for the service.  I take Callie and Nate to Angela's.  Isaiah goes with me to the funeral.  What a celebration.  It's OK.  He's not here. I grieve for us, for Grandma, but not for Grandpa.

Graveside.  I've dreaded this moment all day.  I'm afraid if there's ever a moment where I'll just completely loose it it will be now.  But it's OK.  He's not here.  Peace.

We spent the rest of that day and the next with my family.  We missed Cindy, Anna, Adam and Ashton.  We're sad, but life has to go on.  Grandma came for supper that night.  It feels so wrong to see her without Grandpa, but she seemed ok.

February 2012 you say?  I remember it well.  I would sum up that month with one word "LOSS".  However, if I've learned one thing from this month it's that there is a God that loves me and nothing happens to me that hasn't passed through His hand.  How can there ever be peace when everything seems to be such a big mess?  And yet there is peace.  And there are new mornings and sunshine and birds and snow and a good cup of coffee and a 6 year old's humor and a 4 year old's wonder and a 2 year old singing and dancing on the coffee table.  And there's family and friends that care and a husband that sticks it out with me through the pain and the ugly and the laughter and frustration.  There's a God that gives and  takes away.  And it's ok.