I left Jeremy in a hospital bed in my last post and haven't been back since. I should probably be fired from the job of writing for this blog. Why the silence? Probably because I'm not sure what to say. What to think. These last weeks have been so "normal" that I feel lost.
Backing up. I had hoped to spend that first night with Jeremy at the hospital, but it didn't work out. My sister-in-law and I spent the night at a hotel in Baltimore. We arrived back at the hospital by 8:00 the next morning. Jeremy was in a lot of pain. Friday was a very difficult day. They didn't seem to be able to get his pain under control. I think they simply got behind and couldn't catch up. We had a nurse that didn't seem to understand what was needed, or maybe Jeremy was giving too low of numbers, whatever the cause he was in a lot of pain and it was a long day. Lori was a huge blessing. She stayed in the waiting room most of the day, but kept checking in to see how we were doing. I felt extremely helpless. I couldn't even pray. Finally, around 5:30 Friday evening a doctor came in to check on Jeremy and a change was made to his pain medication. Within 1/2 an hour Jeremy was finally feeling some relief from the pain. It made a world of difference.
Once again I was not able to stay with Jeremy Friday night. Jonathan and Lori were taking me back to the hotel around 10:00 when the head nurse called my cell phone. Yes, I had a bit of a panic moment, but she quickly assured me Jeremy was fine. She was calling to tell me they had moved Jeremy to a private room and that I should come back and stay with him. Honestly, at that point I was so exhausted I didn't feel like changing my plans, but I talked to Jeremy and Jonathan and Lori graciously took me back to the hotel so I could pack up my stuff and then took me back to the hospital. We checked out of the hotel at 10:30 PM and believe it or not they did not charge for the room. Just another blessing along the road.
When I heard "private room" I just thought they meant a room with no other patient. When I got back to the hospital the head nurse met me and took to the end of a hall and through a heavy door and then down a short hall way. The room had wood floors and paneling, a table and chairs several windows, a little couch that pulled out into a bed and most of all it was QUIET. We're not sure why exactly he was moved. Right before I left the hospital an other patient was moved into Jeremy's room. He seemed friendly, but he was a little loud. Jeremy said soon after we left him his nurse and the head nurse came in and started whispering and telling him they were going to get him out of that room. They picked up all his stuff (and mine that I'd left there) and moved him. After I arrived they gave Jeremy his medication a little early and told us they wouldn't bother us until morning. They even told me I could crawl in bed with him. This is no ones business, but since you're wondering, no I did not crawl in bed with him. :) That incision was scary! It felt like we were in a hotel, well almost, except for the fact that he was in a hospital gown with a 10" incision in his stomach and I was in the a pull out couch. But it was blissfully quiet.
Thanks to the new medication they gave Jeremy on Friday night we were able to come home Saturday evening. Our children weren't all that excited to see us because they had such a great time with my parents. When we left for the hospital we excepted to be away from home longer than two days. It was good to be home.
So many people have asked me since the surgery how I am doing. The best way I can describe how I felt those first few days and weeks after surgery is "numb". I felt like I had no feeling whatsoever. How do you go from tumor, cancer, sarcoma, radiation, doesn't respond well to treatment, we'll get as much as we can, probably more surgeries down the road then within minutes be at benign, 100% removed, attached to no organs, everything went great, you're healing fine, sending you home, see you again in 2 weeks, less than 5% chance of coming back. Maybe the better question is how do you go from completely surrendering everything and knowing the peace that comes with surrender to having dreams and hopes for the future that you laid down all handed back to you.
When benign was still a hope and a prayer I would try to imagine how I would live life if we did get that report. I dreamed of never taking my husband or children for granite, never being upset with Jeremy again for anything because I would have been giving the gift of more time. I wish I could say I have walked in that kind of reality since April 26. I wish I could say that I remembered everything I learned during those dark 2 months, but I'd be lying. How quickly, the little cares of life came in and tried to drag me down again. How quickly I forgot to be thankful for one more day with my husband. I've often read about the Israelite children and just been appalled at their lack of gratitude right after God would do an amazing miracle for them. How could anyone be so blind?! I can be so blind.
In the last few weeks I've started to feel again and process a little more. I've had moments (like right now) where I allow myself to feel again what we went through. Moments when out of the blue "my husband was told he hand cancer" comes to my mind and I stop and say "what was that?". I've been frustrated with myself for not leaning into God the way I had been. Like suddenly I didn't need him anymore because He gave me what I so desperately wanted. We were challenged to seek the Healer, just not just the healing. Did we do that?
I've never experienced anything like what we just walked through so I don't know if it is normal to have a "numb" feeling for a few weeks or not. I do know that the feeling is returning. :) I continue to pray that we will be faithful with what God taught us through this journey. I pray that we will continue to give Him the glory, repeatedly for what He did. Was the tumor benign from the beginning? Did God miraculously heal Jeremy? I don't need to know the details. I don't need to know anything. But God has given me the gift of knowing that the tumor is gone, Jeremy is healed. No more tumor, no more fear (watching God heal Jeremy from years of fighting with fear and anxiety was as exciting as hearing benign). God is faithful.
P.S. We met again with Dr. Duncan last Tuesday for Jeremy's (late) 6-week follow up. Again, everything looks great. They will want another CT scan in October to make sure things still look good. I asked Dr. Duncan if they ever let patients see the tumors. He said he has pictures of it. He was going to email one to us, but we haven't received it yet. Do you want to see it? He said it was 25cm around. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Isaiah said all along he thought the tumor was just fat...:)
