Restart

This blog has been on my heart for awhile now.  It has never been forgotten, I just haven't taken the time to look it up.  Lately I've been wondering if I could pick it up again.  I was almost afraid to type in the address for fear it had been deleted somehow because of lack of use.  Nothing is safe in this digital age.

It's still here. Unchanged and undelted.  Memories are safe.  Now to try to figure out where to start catching up on life.  This is why I struggle with journaling.  Some big thing happens and I don't have time to journal about it.  Then something else happens, but I can't record that because I haven't recorded the last big event.

There is no way to record all that has happened in the last 2 years.  Where would I start?  The birth of our 5th child, Simeon Creed on March 4th, 2016?  The story of moving  in May 2016 from the home where we brought all 5 babies home?  The love our new home?  The amazing provision of our mighty God through so much?  Would I share the low times like two more surgeries for Jeremy in April 2015 and August 2016?  Maybe I should skip the low times and focus on the good.  However without sharing the lows how could I explain how God so graciously carried us through those times?  Through all of it one thing has become very clear to me in the good and the bad GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD.  In the past years He has become sweeter to me then I can express.

So where do I start?  I have no idea.  I'm just hoping I can jump back in right here, today, and hopefully start again.  My track record isn't great on restarts, but I'm going to attempt it.

So here's to new starts.

Life

Life just keeps rolling along.  I try to constantly remind myself to hold on to each day, but often I forget.  Pictures are one of the best ways to slap myself in the face and remember to enjoy each moment, craziness and all.  So in celebration of life being lived here in our little house here are some favorites from the last few weeks. Or maybe months, I've lost track

I wonder if there has ever been a baby loved more than this little guy.  I am constantly reminding the kids not to wake him up when he's sleeping.  When he is awake they try to give him toys and play with him and make him laugh.  He loves being held and having people talk to him.  As of Tuesday the 2nd he's two months old!

Painting Easter eggs.

We tried a new recipe this year.  Mix food coloring with 1 T. oil and 1 T. vinegar than fill the cup with enough water to cover the egg.  This gives a lovely marbled look to the egg. 

This month we're celebrating Jeremy's good health.  I'm so thankful to be laughing and enjoying life with him.  One year ago this week we met with the doctor that said "80% chance it's cancer".  Several weeks ago Jeremy spoke with the surgeon from Johns Hopkins about a follow up CT scan he had done.  All is completely clear.  

Isaiah hard at work.  Or something like that.  He's an excellent reader even though he doesn't enjoy phonics.  He loves math, history, geography and history.  

Always a princess.  I was folding laundry the other day and realized Callie's pile of folded laundry was very small.  It's because she lives in her dress up cloths.  She's always pretending something or other.  Often she's getting ready for a wedding, or taking care of "her kids" or talking about "her husband".  I love watching and listening to her.

These beads have provided Callie with hours of fun.  Here they are smoothies and strawberries I think.  She's also been playing a lot with dried beans.  They make a mess to clean up, but it's worth it for the entertainment it gives her.  She also LOVES to play at the sink washing dishes.  So far I've been fairly successful at keeping the beans and water separate.  Sprouting beans all over the house is just what I need! 

Just to prove that he has a mother. :)

Nate's fort.  This is the second fort built.  The first one had the pillows directly on top of Zach's face.  I didn't respond real well when I found it. :(  Nate was very proud of himself for finding a way to build a fort that kept Zach's face free to breath.  I felt a little sorry for Zachary, but I had to take a picture.  I wish I had a picture of all the ways this baby's siblings love on him.  The pretzel up the nose was another moments I didn't respond real well to. :(  On this picture Zachary looks so much like Isaiah did as a baby.

"Look Mom, he's sleeping in his fort!"

Love this face

He loves his daddy and he loves to snuggle. 

We fought through a week of sickness a few weeks ago.  I was about at my wits end by the end of the week.  The kids were feeling better, but weren't well enough to go anywhere and it was too cold to force them outside to play.  I did force them onto the porch for a few minutes though.  Believe me, those smiles were not in place when I sent them out.  For the record, Isaiah is wearing pj's and my crocs.  Nate is wearing his church loafers without socks (I find him at church like this sometimes.  I always feel like I should look to make sure his shirt is fully buttoned and he's not wearing a gold necklace.  sorry) 

Matt and Heather and their girls came to meet Zachary a few weeks ago.  Sadly, most of my pictures weren't very good. :(  However, this one did turn out.  Chloe knitted this hat for Zachary!  I was so impressed.  She does NOT  get her knitting skills from her aunt!  Thank you Chloe!

P.S. Mom, the Easter pictures will be posted soon. :)

And then...what?

I left Jeremy in a hospital bed in my last post and haven't been back since. I should probably be fired from the job of writing for this blog.  Why the silence?  Probably because I'm not sure what to say.  What to think.  These last weeks have been so "normal" that I feel lost.

Backing up.  I had hoped to spend that first night with Jeremy at the hospital, but it didn't work out.  My sister-in-law and I spent the night at a hotel in Baltimore.  We arrived back at the hospital by 8:00 the next morning.  Jeremy was in a lot of pain.  Friday was a very difficult day.  They didn't seem to be able to get his pain under control.  I think they simply got behind and couldn't catch up.  We had a nurse that didn't seem to understand what was needed, or maybe Jeremy was giving too low of numbers, whatever the cause he was in a lot of pain and it was a long day.  Lori was a huge blessing.  She stayed in the waiting room most of the day, but kept checking in to see how we were doing.  I felt extremely helpless.  I couldn't even pray.  Finally, around 5:30 Friday evening a doctor came in to check on Jeremy and a change was made to his pain medication.  Within 1/2 an hour Jeremy was finally feeling some relief from the pain.  It made a world of difference.

Once again I was not able to stay with Jeremy Friday night.  Jonathan and Lori were taking me back to the hotel around 10:00 when the head nurse called my cell phone.  Yes, I had a bit of a panic moment, but she quickly assured me Jeremy was fine.  She was calling to tell me they had moved Jeremy to a private room and that I should come back and stay with him.  Honestly, at that point I was so exhausted I didn't feel like changing my plans, but I talked to Jeremy and Jonathan and Lori graciously took me back to the hotel so I could pack up my stuff and then took me back to the hospital.  We checked out of the hotel at 10:30 PM and believe it or not they did not charge for the room.  Just another blessing along the road.

When I heard "private room" I just thought they meant a room with no other patient.  When I got back to the hospital the head nurse met me and took to the end of a hall and through a heavy door and then down a short hall way.  The room had wood floors and paneling, a table and chairs several windows, a little couch that pulled out into a bed and most of all it was QUIET.  We're not sure why exactly he was moved.  Right before I left the hospital an other patient was moved into Jeremy's room.  He seemed friendly, but he was a little loud.  Jeremy said soon after we left him his nurse and the head nurse came in and started whispering and telling him they were going to get him out of that room.  They picked up all his stuff (and mine that I'd left there) and moved him.  After I arrived they gave Jeremy his medication a little early and told us they wouldn't bother us until morning.   They even told me I could crawl in bed with him.  This is no ones business, but since you're wondering, no I did not crawl in bed with him. :)  That incision was scary! It felt like we were in a hotel, well almost, except for the fact that he was in a hospital gown with a 10" incision in his stomach and I was in the a pull out couch.  But it was blissfully quiet.

Thanks to the new medication they gave Jeremy on Friday night we were able to come home Saturday evening.  Our children weren't all that excited to see us because they had such a great time with my parents.  When we left for the hospital we excepted to be away from home longer than two days. It was good to be home.

So many people have asked me since the surgery how I am doing.  The best way I can describe how I felt those first few days and weeks after surgery is "numb".  I felt like I had no feeling whatsoever.  How do you go from tumor, cancer, sarcoma, radiation, doesn't respond well to treatment, we'll get as much as we can, probably more surgeries down the road then within minutes be at benign, 100% removed, attached to no organs, everything went great, you're healing fine, sending you home, see you again in 2 weeks,  less than 5% chance of coming back.  Maybe the better question is how do you go from completely surrendering everything and knowing the peace that comes with surrender to having dreams and hopes for the future that you laid down all handed back to you.

When benign was still a hope and a prayer I would try to imagine how I would live life if we did get that report.  I dreamed of never taking my husband or children for granite, never  being upset with Jeremy again for anything because I would have been giving the gift of more time.  I wish I could say I have walked in that kind of reality since April 26.  I wish I could say that I remembered everything I learned during those dark 2 months, but I'd be lying.  How quickly, the little cares of life came in and tried to drag me down again.  How quickly I forgot to be thankful for one more day with my husband.  I've often read about the Israelite children and just been appalled at their lack of gratitude right after God would do an amazing miracle for them.  How could anyone be so blind?!  I can be so blind.

In the last few weeks I've started to feel again and process a little more.  I've had moments (like right now) where I allow myself to feel again what we went through.  Moments when out of the blue "my husband was told he hand cancer" comes to my mind and I stop and say "what was that?".  I've been frustrated with myself for not leaning into God the way I had been.  Like suddenly I didn't need him anymore because He gave me what I so desperately wanted.  We were challenged to seek the Healer, just not just the healing.  Did we do that?

I've never experienced anything like what we just walked through so I don't know if it is normal to have a "numb" feeling for a few weeks or not.  I do know that the feeling is returning. :)  I continue to pray that we will be faithful with what God taught us through this journey.  I pray that we will continue to give Him the glory, repeatedly for what He did.  Was the tumor benign from the beginning?   Did God miraculously heal Jeremy?  I don't need to know the details.  I don't need to know anything.  But God has given me the gift of knowing that the tumor is gone, Jeremy is healed.  No more tumor, no more fear (watching God heal Jeremy from years of fighting with fear and anxiety was as exciting as hearing benign).  God is faithful.

P.S. We met again with Dr. Duncan last Tuesday for Jeremy's (late) 6-week follow up.  Again, everything looks great.  They will want another CT scan in October to make sure things still look good.  I asked Dr. Duncan if they ever let patients see the tumors.  He said he has pictures of it.  He was going to email one to us, but we haven't received it yet.  Do you want to see it?  He said it was 25cm around.  Crazy, crazy, crazy.  Isaiah said all along he thought the tumor was just fat...:)

Day of Surgery

April 26, 2012, not a day we will forget any time soon.  It was exactly one month since Jeremy's first doctor's appointment.

My parents arrived at our house around 7:30.  Our kids were so excited to see Grandma and Grandpa that they didn't even care we were leaving.  Jeremy's parents drove us to Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical center.  Here's an odd fact you may not know, Jeremy was born at Johns Hopkins Hospital.  Bayview Medical center is not the same place. Jonathan and Lori (Jeremy's brother and sister-in-law) met us there as well.

Jeremy was taken to the prep area and after about 45 minutes they allowed a couple of us back to see him.  The surgery was to start at 12:45.  I waited with him for about 2 hours.  He had a lot of peace.  We talked again to Dr. Duncan.  At this point Dr. Duncan was still waiting to here the biopsy report from his pathologist so we still did not know if the tumor was cancer or benign.  I don't think either of us were dwelling much on it anyway.  We were focused on getting Jeremy through the surgery.  I think we both had peace that even if it was cancer we would walk that road when we got there.  It was another of those times when I felt I should be more of a wreck than I was.  Thank you for your prayers.

Finally at 2:30 we had to leave and Jeremy was taken to where the surgery was.  It was hard to leave him, but I was ready to see things more forward.  While Jeremy moved into what would be physically the hardest part of this journey for him the rest of us went for lunch. :(  It sounds awful, but there wasn't anything for us to do and we needed to pass the time.  Amazingly, the time went pretty quickly.  At 4:15 a lady came to where we were waiting and told us the first procedure (stints placed in the ureters to help with the surgery) was finished and they were working on the second procedure (removing the tumor).  Let me just say that it is odd to think of your husband all cut open and a team of people working on him.  Sometime later, maybe 45 minutes or so, someone from the operating room called me to say the tumor was out.  They didn't think they would need to remove anything else, but they had sent the tumor to pathology and would wait to close him up until they heard back from pathology.  More waiting.

We waited in a waiting room that was also a hall way.  The nurses call it "the airport" because one side was a huge window and the chairs were lined up like they are at an airport.  From where we were sitting I could see doctors and nurses moving back and forth from the OR and I could see people being wheeled around on beds (that was rather strange).  By this point I was so ready to hear something.  Every time a door opened I was hoping for news.

Finally I saw Dr. Duncan coming down the hall.  Wouldn't you know he got a page or a phone call before he reached us, so I had to watch him stand in the hall talking, knowing he had been interrupted from getting to us with news of Jeremy.  Waiting. When will I learn to be patient!

When Dr. Duncan reached us he showed 2 thumbs up.  He told us everything went great.  The tumor was 100% out.  He said it had veins and arteries as big around as an ink pen.  He guessed it weighed around 4 pounds.  It was attached at several different places, but they did not have to remove anything.  There had been some concern before surgery that it may be attached to the bladder so hearing that it wasn't was great news.  And the best news of all -the tumor was BENIGN.  I almost broke down right then, but somehow managed to hold it together.  My curiosity was taking over.  It was a myxoid solitary fibrous tumor.  These tumors are very rare with only 7-10 cases a year in the nation  and only a few of those in the abdominal area.  Dr. Duncan said he sees about 2 every 10 years.  This kind of tumor is a cousin to a sarcoma and can be hard to diagnose.  They don't know what caused it or how long it had been there, but the chances of it coming back are pretty slim.

Dr. Duncan left and then the news hit.  I felt like I took a deep breath for the first time in a month.  It was like a door opened up and our future was on the other side and suddenly I could hope and dream past tomorrow or a few years.  Then I cried.  It was such a blessing to have Jeremy's parents and Jonathan and Lori with me.  We stopped right then and thanked God for what He had done.  I'm said to say I don't know how the rest received the news, however I don't think there were many dry eyes.

Ps. 118: 17 says "I will not die, but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done."  This was one of the verses that has meant so much to us.  God has been so amazing to us and to so many others through this journey.  The farther we walked through this the more we realized how this wasn't about us anymore, but about God being glorified.  It was time to proclaim what the Lord had done.  I wish so badly that Jeremy could have been the one telling everyone the good news, but we knew that wasn't going to happen so we started making phone calls.  Benign!!  It was so much fun to spread the good news.  Then we started posted on facebook.  Wow.  Facebook has it's issues for sure, but in a time like this it was absolutely amazing.  Within seconds comment and "likes" were coming in.  God was getting so much glory.

Finally about 7:00 I went looking for away to see Jeremy.  I found a nurse who pointed me to a phone and told me to call a certain number.  I finally got through to his nurse and she came out and got us.  While we all had been rejoicing Jeremy was coming out of surgery in a lot of pain.  It was not fun to see my 6ft tall, 210 lb husband flat on his back all hooked up to things with a mask on his face.  I didn't know if anyone had told him the news.  I leaned over him and said "Babe, it's benign, it's not cancer!"  I didn't know how much he would understand, but he understood it all.  "There's no cancer?"  "Did they have to take anything?"  I cannot tell you how good it felt to tell him "No!".  However, I also quickly realized that while so many were rejoicing Jeremy was in so much pain that while he was excited about the news the rejoicing would have to wait until he felt a little better.

The story continues and I'll try to finish it soon...

Surgery

Jeremy is scheduled for surgery tomorrow afternoon at 12:50.  My parents are on their way here to watch our children.  I am so glad they are coming.  It's hard for me to think of leaving the kids for a couple days, but knowing they will be in such good hands is a comfort.  They are so excited about Grandma and Grandpa coming that they are hardly talking about Jeremy and I being away.  

I will try to keep everyone updated on how things are going.  If you are on facebook feel free to befriend me if you would like to be kept up to date.  I don't know what kind of internet access I will have while we're at the hospital so this blog may be silent until we are home.  However, I will have someone updating my facebook account. 

I love this song by Mercy Me.  If you don't have access to youtube you can hear it here.  So much has "died" in us over these last weeks.  I've watch God heal Jeremy of fear and anxiety.  Sometime hopefully I'll have time to share.  In the mean time, I give God the glory for what He is doing and what He is going to do.  

"Jesus, please don't let this go in vane..."  "Find Your glory even here..."

Update

I'm doing a poor job of updating this blog. :(  There is still a lot of waiting going on and not much to report on.  We met with a Dr. Duncan at Johns Hopkins on Tuesday.  We were very impressed with him.  He was very down to earth and encouraging.  He met with a team of cancer doctors yesterday.   They talked about Jeremy's tumor. It was decided that radiation is not needed now.  They said if this is sarcoma and if it would come back in a few years than they would look at radiation.  We're not expecting to be dealing with this again in 3 years!  Two different doctors at Hopkins have seen the CT scan and think there is a chance that the tumor is benign.  Wow, I'm scared to let myself hope.  My grandma wisely said "Maybe it was cancer, but now it's benign". :)  Hopkins is still waiting for the biopsy from Hershey.  That is slightly frustrating, but will be taken care of.  Dr. Duncan told me he'd get his secretaries on it Monday morning.  Poor things.

In the mean time life goes on.  Not as normal, but it does go on.  We are still experiencing much peace.  I still have grace for each day.  I struggle at times realizing that others lives really are going on when it feels like ours is at a stand still even though it looks like life as normal.  "Consider it pure joy..."  

Thank you for your prayers!

Life

Jeremy is scheduled to meet with a surgeon at Hopkins next Tuesday afternoon.  Somehow setting up doctor's appoints at Hopkins so my husband can have surgery to remove cancer is not a very uplifting thing to do.  However, I have lots of things to be thankful for and to dwell on.  I found these pictures the other day.  They all make me smile. :)  Life is good.

This was taken sometime during the last crazy weeks.  Yes, Callie's in her pj's (picture was taken late afternoon I think) I have no idea what nef guns, swords, rubber boots, ladders and lawn chairs have in common, but they were having a great time. 

I never got around to blogging about our week at the beach with Jeremy's family way back in March. What a fun, beautiful week!  I love this picture of the kids.

When this family goes to the beach we take big shovels and this is why.  The kids LOVED this pool Jeremy made for them and were rather sad the next day to find it all washed away.   These are 7 of the 8 grandchildren on Jeremy's side.  

Psalm 139:16 "Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began."  

Test Results

Easter 2012

This afternoon Jeremy and I went back to the surgeon's office to learn the results of the biopsy he had done last Thursday.  As I mentioned before we have had a lot of peace over this weekend and we were still feeling it this afternoon.  However, the waiting was not easy. We sat in the little room waiting for the doctor for about 15 minutes.  It felt like an eternity.  Like Christmas morning.  Gone wrong.  But we were ok.


Though the full results will not be back for about a week the first test show that the tumor is a sarcoma cancer. At times in life I've tried to imagine how difficult it would be to hear word like "cancer" or "accident" in regards to my husband or children.  I always envisioned myself bent over in physical pain.  Wanting to throw up.  Running out the door.  Weeping uncontrollably.  Instead there was a peace.  I think we both were prepared for these words.  We don't know why we have to walk this road, but God is and will continue to be honored and glorified and He's still in control.  We're seeing it.  While I desperately wanted to hear "benign" I know the longer we walk this journey more glory God gets.   


I'm processing a lot.  I keep trying to type, but then I delete it.  


Our next step is to set up an appointment with the surgeon who will do the needed surgery.  For now, we're going to keep living.  Keep laughing, keep crying, keep believing.


"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".  Phil. 4:7


"Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me"  Psalm 23:4

Easter

After such sad posts Friday night I thought I should update.  We've had a good weekend.  Friday night was another low point, but God met us again.  We slept very well.  I actually woke up, saw the clock and went back to sleep.   Bliss.

Yesterday morning we went to my grandma's house in the morning for a brunch with my mom's side of the family.  We missed Grandpa and those that couldn't make it, but had a nice time connecting with family and eating some really good food.

From there we went to Jeremy's parents for the rest of the day.  His whole family was there.  Jeremy and I both had some low moments, but it was still a good time of connecting and of course the kids were playing hard all day -they love their cousins!  In the evening we had a very neat, powerful time of prayer with Jeremy's parents, brothers and their wives (and fiancee!)   I wish my family could have been there also.  God really met us.

We came home Saturday night and for the first time in many days the heaviness we often felt at night was just not there.  I was dreading leaving Jeremy's parents house all day because often life seems normal and fine when we're with a group of people, but then when we leave we start to fight fears and the unknown again.  Not last night.  We went to sleep with no trouble last night and slept well again.

We are so humbled and grateful for the prayers being said on our behalf.  Thank you, they are being answered!

Highs & Lows

I wrote the last post then came downstairs, curled up in the fetal position on the couch and cried my eyes out.  Jeremy's laying on the floor praying on the phone with his day.  I cry for my kids.  Nate told me yesterday "I don't want Daddy to die".  We know they are picking up on stuff even though we have tried hard to keep positive around them.  Isaiah was instantly in tears confirming to me that he too has been processing and understands so much.  I had to take a deep breath.  Then we sat down and I reassured them God is in control and will not leave us and that the doctor does not think Daddy will die.  Nate:  "God could have made our baby not die and grow up big like we are" (referring to a miscarriage I had in early March -never shared on here.  It seemed too raw and hard at the time...) I told them about the thousands of prayers being prayed for Daddy.  Isaiah "But God doesn't always answer our prayers." We talked a little more.  I reminded them that Thunder Bay Grandma had something like this five years ago and the doctors took it out and she is fine.  I think that helped them.  In other conversations Isaiah has declared that he believes Daddy is going to be healed.  He also thinks the tumor is fat. :)  Callie, is just as joyful as ever.  However, she does tune into my emotions.  Several days ago we were all sitting at the table.  I wasn't in tears, but it was "I'm fighting" moment.  Jeremy looked at me and said "It's going to be ok."  Callie leaned over and said so sweetly "Don't cry Mommy, Daddy lobes you." :)

I'm realizing more and more that this is about surrender.  It's not about giving up, it's about giving back what God has blessed me with, abundantly.  I cannot control this situation.  I must trust.  Not that everything here on earth is as it feels it should be, but that my God will supply all my needs. "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."  (Ps 27 -I think...:)) Not earthly goodness for Sabrina.  The goodness of the Lord.  Trust.

"Stress isn't only a joy stealer.  The way we respond to it can be sin...stress stands in direct opposition to what He directly, tenderly commands: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God: trust also in me" (John 14:1 NIV, emphasis added).  I know an untroubled heart relaxes, trusts, leans assured into His ever-dependable arms.  Trust, it's the antitheses of stress. "Oh the joys of those who trust in the Lord (Psalm 40:4). But how to learn trust like that?  Can trust be conjured up simply by sheer will, on command? I've got to get this thing, what it means to trust: "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you many overflow" (Romans 15:13NIV)"
-from page 146 of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I don't remember how to give credit to who you have quoted, but I must say this is a book worth reading.

A Journey

On Sunday it will be 2 weeks since we found a lump in Jeremy's lower abdomen.  The next day our family doctor told Jeremy he didn't know what it was.  Thursday of that same week Jeremy went for a CT scan.  The emotions between those two appointments were a roller coaster for sure.  We had ourselves convinced the night before the CT scan that it was just a really big hernia.  Maybe it was hopeful thinking, but it felt so good to think we had this thing figured out.

We were told we would get results from the scan at a follow up appointment the next Monday.  Instead that very same evening our doctor called.  I sat beside Jeremy while he talked to the doctor.  He wrote "tumor" on a piece of paper.  We couldn't believe it.  More emotions.  We called family and asked them to pray and we prayed.

The next Tuesday afternoon we met with a surgeon.  He didn't make things rosy and nice.  He was very kind, but he told us the truth and answered our questions.  Jeremy would need a biopsy to see what we were dealing with.  He told us there was an 80% chance that this was cancer.  I'm glad I couldn't see our faces.  It wasn't pretty I'm sure.  If it's lymphoma then it can be treated with chemo and maybe not surgery.  If its sarcoma it will need need a complicated surgery.  Not done in our town or by this surgeon.  A 6-8 hour surgery with a 7 -10 day stay in the hospital.  Probably in Baltimore or NYC.  I didn't know how to hold back the tears.  I get upset when my nice little life and my nice little routines get messed up.  We left the office and Jeremy went for blood work.  I sat in the waiting room.  I felt like I couldn't breath.  I wanted to talk to someone.  I tried to make a call, but cell service wasn't available.  We left and I cried.  You know that kind of cry where you almost can't get it out because it almost hurts too bad?  Suffocating.

Two days later Jeremy went for a CT guided biopsy.  I love when I can leave my children with someone and drive away with Jeremy.  Usually.  These appointments just feel wrong.  It's hard to believe that we're living this, but we are.

I'll back up.  One huge piece of this puzzle is missing:  God.  We have never experienced the presence of  Holy God like we have in the last two week.  We've never been so desperate for peace and answers.  The facebook comments and emails and phone calls and cards are astonishing to us.  People we don't even know are praying for us.  We often feel peace when we really shouldn't.  Jeremy is digging deeper in the word and praying and getting closer to God for hours at a time.  He often hikes at our local park or around our neighbor hood to pray.  We are holding on to words given to us and we keep thinking 80% still leaves 20% chance for noncancerous.

How am I?  So many have asked me that question in the last 2 weeks.  My immediate response is "Good".  How shallow we Christ-followers are  I'm learning to say "Good" and mean it because I know where my foundation is.  I know that "God will never leave me or forsake me".  But my husband could die.  Yes, that seems to be how my thoughts go back and forth.  Sabrina, believe for healing.  The ultimate healing is heaven.  It might not be cancer.  It's very rare for a 33 year old man to have 13cm tumor.  Then one son yells that he has no clean underwear and the other one is hungry and life goes on.  How in the world am I living this?  How did I go from planning next years school curriculum and dreaming about dressing up Callie for Easter to talking about test results, cancer, chemo, surgery.  But maybe it's not cancer.

"When you pass through the water, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers the water will not sweep over you; when you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze" Isaiah 43:2

So many questions and yet one thing remains:  God will be worshiped and glorified.  We have an appointment with the surgeon on Monday at 1:30.  We'll have to wait until then to know what the next step is.  We will never be the same for these last 2 weeks.  I hope that no one reading this has to talk through what we have walked through and yet I know many have walked through much worse.  However, if this is what it takes to realize that today is a gift and that tomorrow is no given and that worshiping God and loving our neighbors enough to reach out and love them then I think it was worth it.  NOTHING matters except the very important.

I've written so much and left so much out.  We appreciate your prayers so much.  I cannot begin to tell you how we have felt carried through this time.  We still have really low times, but we're finding that ice cream or other things don't satisfy like prayer and worship.

We spent the evening together as a family.  I had thought of running to a store quick, but when I remembered that I have no grantee of a family night next Friday night I knew I had to stay home.  We could be sitting in a hospital next week or we could be right back here in our back yard running races.  I don't know, but I can't take today lightly.  No one knows what tomorrow holds.

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in His body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in the body is done with sin.  As a result he does not live the rest of his life for evil, human desires, but rather for the will of God"  I Peter 4:1-2

God is glorified.