Highs & Lows

I wrote the last post then came downstairs, curled up in the fetal position on the couch and cried my eyes out.  Jeremy's laying on the floor praying on the phone with his day.  I cry for my kids.  Nate told me yesterday "I don't want Daddy to die".  We know they are picking up on stuff even though we have tried hard to keep positive around them.  Isaiah was instantly in tears confirming to me that he too has been processing and understands so much.  I had to take a deep breath.  Then we sat down and I reassured them God is in control and will not leave us and that the doctor does not think Daddy will die.  Nate:  "God could have made our baby not die and grow up big like we are" (referring to a miscarriage I had in early March -never shared on here.  It seemed too raw and hard at the time...) I told them about the thousands of prayers being prayed for Daddy.  Isaiah "But God doesn't always answer our prayers." We talked a little more.  I reminded them that Thunder Bay Grandma had something like this five years ago and the doctors took it out and she is fine.  I think that helped them.  In other conversations Isaiah has declared that he believes Daddy is going to be healed.  He also thinks the tumor is fat. :)  Callie, is just as joyful as ever.  However, she does tune into my emotions.  Several days ago we were all sitting at the table.  I wasn't in tears, but it was "I'm fighting" moment.  Jeremy looked at me and said "It's going to be ok."  Callie leaned over and said so sweetly "Don't cry Mommy, Daddy lobes you." :)

I'm realizing more and more that this is about surrender.  It's not about giving up, it's about giving back what God has blessed me with, abundantly.  I cannot control this situation.  I must trust.  Not that everything here on earth is as it feels it should be, but that my God will supply all my needs. "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."  (Ps 27 -I think...:)) Not earthly goodness for Sabrina.  The goodness of the Lord.  Trust.

"Stress isn't only a joy stealer.  The way we respond to it can be sin...stress stands in direct opposition to what He directly, tenderly commands: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God: trust also in me" (John 14:1 NIV, emphasis added).  I know an untroubled heart relaxes, trusts, leans assured into His ever-dependable arms.  Trust, it's the antitheses of stress. "Oh the joys of those who trust in the Lord (Psalm 40:4). But how to learn trust like that?  Can trust be conjured up simply by sheer will, on command? I've got to get this thing, what it means to trust: "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you many overflow" (Romans 15:13NIV)"
-from page 146 of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I don't remember how to give credit to who you have quoted, but I must say this is a book worth reading.