Update

I'm doing a poor job of updating this blog. :(  There is still a lot of waiting going on and not much to report on.  We met with a Dr. Duncan at Johns Hopkins on Tuesday.  We were very impressed with him.  He was very down to earth and encouraging.  He met with a team of cancer doctors yesterday.   They talked about Jeremy's tumor. It was decided that radiation is not needed now.  They said if this is sarcoma and if it would come back in a few years than they would look at radiation.  We're not expecting to be dealing with this again in 3 years!  Two different doctors at Hopkins have seen the CT scan and think there is a chance that the tumor is benign.  Wow, I'm scared to let myself hope.  My grandma wisely said "Maybe it was cancer, but now it's benign". :)  Hopkins is still waiting for the biopsy from Hershey.  That is slightly frustrating, but will be taken care of.  Dr. Duncan told me he'd get his secretaries on it Monday morning.  Poor things.

In the mean time life goes on.  Not as normal, but it does go on.  We are still experiencing much peace.  I still have grace for each day.  I struggle at times realizing that others lives really are going on when it feels like ours is at a stand still even though it looks like life as normal.  "Consider it pure joy..."  

Thank you for your prayers!

Life

Jeremy is scheduled to meet with a surgeon at Hopkins next Tuesday afternoon.  Somehow setting up doctor's appoints at Hopkins so my husband can have surgery to remove cancer is not a very uplifting thing to do.  However, I have lots of things to be thankful for and to dwell on.  I found these pictures the other day.  They all make me smile. :)  Life is good.

This was taken sometime during the last crazy weeks.  Yes, Callie's in her pj's (picture was taken late afternoon I think) I have no idea what nef guns, swords, rubber boots, ladders and lawn chairs have in common, but they were having a great time. 

I never got around to blogging about our week at the beach with Jeremy's family way back in March. What a fun, beautiful week!  I love this picture of the kids.

When this family goes to the beach we take big shovels and this is why.  The kids LOVED this pool Jeremy made for them and were rather sad the next day to find it all washed away.   These are 7 of the 8 grandchildren on Jeremy's side.  

Psalm 139:16 "Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began."  

Test Results

Easter 2012

This afternoon Jeremy and I went back to the surgeon's office to learn the results of the biopsy he had done last Thursday.  As I mentioned before we have had a lot of peace over this weekend and we were still feeling it this afternoon.  However, the waiting was not easy. We sat in the little room waiting for the doctor for about 15 minutes.  It felt like an eternity.  Like Christmas morning.  Gone wrong.  But we were ok.


Though the full results will not be back for about a week the first test show that the tumor is a sarcoma cancer. At times in life I've tried to imagine how difficult it would be to hear word like "cancer" or "accident" in regards to my husband or children.  I always envisioned myself bent over in physical pain.  Wanting to throw up.  Running out the door.  Weeping uncontrollably.  Instead there was a peace.  I think we both were prepared for these words.  We don't know why we have to walk this road, but God is and will continue to be honored and glorified and He's still in control.  We're seeing it.  While I desperately wanted to hear "benign" I know the longer we walk this journey more glory God gets.   


I'm processing a lot.  I keep trying to type, but then I delete it.  


Our next step is to set up an appointment with the surgeon who will do the needed surgery.  For now, we're going to keep living.  Keep laughing, keep crying, keep believing.


"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".  Phil. 4:7


"Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me"  Psalm 23:4

Easter

After such sad posts Friday night I thought I should update.  We've had a good weekend.  Friday night was another low point, but God met us again.  We slept very well.  I actually woke up, saw the clock and went back to sleep.   Bliss.

Yesterday morning we went to my grandma's house in the morning for a brunch with my mom's side of the family.  We missed Grandpa and those that couldn't make it, but had a nice time connecting with family and eating some really good food.

From there we went to Jeremy's parents for the rest of the day.  His whole family was there.  Jeremy and I both had some low moments, but it was still a good time of connecting and of course the kids were playing hard all day -they love their cousins!  In the evening we had a very neat, powerful time of prayer with Jeremy's parents, brothers and their wives (and fiancee!)   I wish my family could have been there also.  God really met us.

We came home Saturday night and for the first time in many days the heaviness we often felt at night was just not there.  I was dreading leaving Jeremy's parents house all day because often life seems normal and fine when we're with a group of people, but then when we leave we start to fight fears and the unknown again.  Not last night.  We went to sleep with no trouble last night and slept well again.

We are so humbled and grateful for the prayers being said on our behalf.  Thank you, they are being answered!

Highs & Lows

I wrote the last post then came downstairs, curled up in the fetal position on the couch and cried my eyes out.  Jeremy's laying on the floor praying on the phone with his day.  I cry for my kids.  Nate told me yesterday "I don't want Daddy to die".  We know they are picking up on stuff even though we have tried hard to keep positive around them.  Isaiah was instantly in tears confirming to me that he too has been processing and understands so much.  I had to take a deep breath.  Then we sat down and I reassured them God is in control and will not leave us and that the doctor does not think Daddy will die.  Nate:  "God could have made our baby not die and grow up big like we are" (referring to a miscarriage I had in early March -never shared on here.  It seemed too raw and hard at the time...) I told them about the thousands of prayers being prayed for Daddy.  Isaiah "But God doesn't always answer our prayers." We talked a little more.  I reminded them that Thunder Bay Grandma had something like this five years ago and the doctors took it out and she is fine.  I think that helped them.  In other conversations Isaiah has declared that he believes Daddy is going to be healed.  He also thinks the tumor is fat. :)  Callie, is just as joyful as ever.  However, she does tune into my emotions.  Several days ago we were all sitting at the table.  I wasn't in tears, but it was "I'm fighting" moment.  Jeremy looked at me and said "It's going to be ok."  Callie leaned over and said so sweetly "Don't cry Mommy, Daddy lobes you." :)

I'm realizing more and more that this is about surrender.  It's not about giving up, it's about giving back what God has blessed me with, abundantly.  I cannot control this situation.  I must trust.  Not that everything here on earth is as it feels it should be, but that my God will supply all my needs. "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."  (Ps 27 -I think...:)) Not earthly goodness for Sabrina.  The goodness of the Lord.  Trust.

"Stress isn't only a joy stealer.  The way we respond to it can be sin...stress stands in direct opposition to what He directly, tenderly commands: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God: trust also in me" (John 14:1 NIV, emphasis added).  I know an untroubled heart relaxes, trusts, leans assured into His ever-dependable arms.  Trust, it's the antitheses of stress. "Oh the joys of those who trust in the Lord (Psalm 40:4). But how to learn trust like that?  Can trust be conjured up simply by sheer will, on command? I've got to get this thing, what it means to trust: "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you many overflow" (Romans 15:13NIV)"
-from page 146 of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I don't remember how to give credit to who you have quoted, but I must say this is a book worth reading.

A Journey

On Sunday it will be 2 weeks since we found a lump in Jeremy's lower abdomen.  The next day our family doctor told Jeremy he didn't know what it was.  Thursday of that same week Jeremy went for a CT scan.  The emotions between those two appointments were a roller coaster for sure.  We had ourselves convinced the night before the CT scan that it was just a really big hernia.  Maybe it was hopeful thinking, but it felt so good to think we had this thing figured out.

We were told we would get results from the scan at a follow up appointment the next Monday.  Instead that very same evening our doctor called.  I sat beside Jeremy while he talked to the doctor.  He wrote "tumor" on a piece of paper.  We couldn't believe it.  More emotions.  We called family and asked them to pray and we prayed.

The next Tuesday afternoon we met with a surgeon.  He didn't make things rosy and nice.  He was very kind, but he told us the truth and answered our questions.  Jeremy would need a biopsy to see what we were dealing with.  He told us there was an 80% chance that this was cancer.  I'm glad I couldn't see our faces.  It wasn't pretty I'm sure.  If it's lymphoma then it can be treated with chemo and maybe not surgery.  If its sarcoma it will need need a complicated surgery.  Not done in our town or by this surgeon.  A 6-8 hour surgery with a 7 -10 day stay in the hospital.  Probably in Baltimore or NYC.  I didn't know how to hold back the tears.  I get upset when my nice little life and my nice little routines get messed up.  We left the office and Jeremy went for blood work.  I sat in the waiting room.  I felt like I couldn't breath.  I wanted to talk to someone.  I tried to make a call, but cell service wasn't available.  We left and I cried.  You know that kind of cry where you almost can't get it out because it almost hurts too bad?  Suffocating.

Two days later Jeremy went for a CT guided biopsy.  I love when I can leave my children with someone and drive away with Jeremy.  Usually.  These appointments just feel wrong.  It's hard to believe that we're living this, but we are.

I'll back up.  One huge piece of this puzzle is missing:  God.  We have never experienced the presence of  Holy God like we have in the last two week.  We've never been so desperate for peace and answers.  The facebook comments and emails and phone calls and cards are astonishing to us.  People we don't even know are praying for us.  We often feel peace when we really shouldn't.  Jeremy is digging deeper in the word and praying and getting closer to God for hours at a time.  He often hikes at our local park or around our neighbor hood to pray.  We are holding on to words given to us and we keep thinking 80% still leaves 20% chance for noncancerous.

How am I?  So many have asked me that question in the last 2 weeks.  My immediate response is "Good".  How shallow we Christ-followers are  I'm learning to say "Good" and mean it because I know where my foundation is.  I know that "God will never leave me or forsake me".  But my husband could die.  Yes, that seems to be how my thoughts go back and forth.  Sabrina, believe for healing.  The ultimate healing is heaven.  It might not be cancer.  It's very rare for a 33 year old man to have 13cm tumor.  Then one son yells that he has no clean underwear and the other one is hungry and life goes on.  How in the world am I living this?  How did I go from planning next years school curriculum and dreaming about dressing up Callie for Easter to talking about test results, cancer, chemo, surgery.  But maybe it's not cancer.

"When you pass through the water, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers the water will not sweep over you; when you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze" Isaiah 43:2

So many questions and yet one thing remains:  God will be worshiped and glorified.  We have an appointment with the surgeon on Monday at 1:30.  We'll have to wait until then to know what the next step is.  We will never be the same for these last 2 weeks.  I hope that no one reading this has to talk through what we have walked through and yet I know many have walked through much worse.  However, if this is what it takes to realize that today is a gift and that tomorrow is no given and that worshiping God and loving our neighbors enough to reach out and love them then I think it was worth it.  NOTHING matters except the very important.

I've written so much and left so much out.  We appreciate your prayers so much.  I cannot begin to tell you how we have felt carried through this time.  We still have really low times, but we're finding that ice cream or other things don't satisfy like prayer and worship.

We spent the evening together as a family.  I had thought of running to a store quick, but when I remembered that I have no grantee of a family night next Friday night I knew I had to stay home.  We could be sitting in a hospital next week or we could be right back here in our back yard running races.  I don't know, but I can't take today lightly.  No one knows what tomorrow holds.

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in His body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in the body is done with sin.  As a result he does not live the rest of his life for evil, human desires, but rather for the will of God"  I Peter 4:1-2

God is glorified.

February 2012 in Words

(wrote this several weeks ago, but never posted it...)

February 2012 began with lots of anticipation.  Lots of exciting things to come.

I spent the first weekend with 3 friends I've had since childhood.  What a rich weekend.

The next weekend Jeremy, the kids and I left for Ohio.  The plan was to relax at my aunt and uncles house where my parents were also visiting for the weekend.  We would then move on with mom and dad to a pastor's conference 2 days later.

Plans don't always turn out as planned.

Sunday night. I remember the call.  It's the kind where you hear half of the conversation.  Joyce said hello.  Silence.  She sat down.  Her head in her hands.  Everything seems to stop.

Grandpa, mom's dad, has had a severe bleeding stroke.  We're 7 1/2 hours away.  We feel helpless.

Waiting.  Suddenly our weeks plans are unstable.  Should we jump in a car and head back to PA?  Should we go on to the conference and hope grandpa lives or be ok if we don't get to say goodbye?

Sleep.  It seems unreal to try to go to sleep when someone you love is fighting for their lives.  We expected to wake up on Monday morning and get the news that grandpa had died.  However, the next morning we hear he has stabilized.   They still do not expect him to live long.

New plan.  We decide to all go back to PA.  Somehow sitting in a conference just doesn't seem like the thing to do.

7 1/2 hours back home just two days after we had left expecting to be away for 6 days.  We drive straight to the hospital.

5th floor.  How ironic.  We get off the elevator and I realize that if we walk straight ahead we enter the wing of the hospital where our 3 children were born.  Life.  We turn left instead.

I tell Grandpa goodbye and that I'm proud of him.  I'm jealous he'll get to see Jesus before me.  I tell him I think it's great that he gets to meet Howard and Vestal and Jake and Anthony and George and Glenn.  He seems to try to smile.  Maybe it's nothing.  I'll remember it as a last connection with Grandpa-.

Waiting.  How long will this go on for?  We start to hear words like Hospice and home.  On Wednesday Grandpa is moved home.  I stand in grandma's kitchen and talk.  Just like normal, but totally different and wrong.

How long?  Some say it could be weeks. I woke up early Friday morning.  It feels like spring.  How long Lord?  It seems to be the first thing into my thoughts each morning.  I hear a bird chirp.  I picture Grandma and Grandpa's house on an early spring morning.  Always birds.  Always such a sweet safe place.  How long?

6:40 -Mom calls to tell me Grandpa's not doing very well.  She was going to come over to see the kids for awhile this morning, but thinks she should just stay with Grandpa.  6:50 -Mom calls.  Grandpa's gone.  So soon?!  Jeremy leaves to be with the family and help to plan the funeral.  This seems odd and yet right.  Pastor and family.  How does this work?

Relief.  It's over.  Sadness.  I don't mourn for Grandpa.  I will miss him for sure.  My heart hurts more for me, but mostly for Grandma.  How do you live with someone for almost 62 years and then suddenly be alone?  Will these tears ever stop?

Family is such a blessing.  Brandon flew in from Oregon.  So good to see him, so sad too.  Other cousins traveled too.  The whole week has been a gathering of family.  Grandpa was a rich man.

Monday night is the viewing.  I'm holding it together until I walk into the funeral home.  What am I doing here!  It's a brief moment of panic, but it passes.  It's ok.  He's not here.  What a peace.

Tuesday morning.  Jeremy leaves early to prepare for the service.  I take Callie and Nate to Angela's.  Isaiah goes with me to the funeral.  What a celebration.  It's OK.  He's not here. I grieve for us, for Grandma, but not for Grandpa.

Graveside.  I've dreaded this moment all day.  I'm afraid if there's ever a moment where I'll just completely loose it it will be now.  But it's OK.  He's not here.  Peace.

We spent the rest of that day and the next with my family.  We missed Cindy, Anna, Adam and Ashton.  We're sad, but life has to go on.  Grandma came for supper that night.  It feels so wrong to see her without Grandpa, but she seemed ok.

February 2012 you say?  I remember it well.  I would sum up that month with one word "LOSS".  However, if I've learned one thing from this month it's that there is a God that loves me and nothing happens to me that hasn't passed through His hand.  How can there ever be peace when everything seems to be such a big mess?  And yet there is peace.  And there are new mornings and sunshine and birds and snow and a good cup of coffee and a 6 year old's humor and a 4 year old's wonder and a 2 year old singing and dancing on the coffee table.  And there's family and friends that care and a husband that sticks it out with me through the pain and the ugly and the laughter and frustration.  There's a God that gives and  takes away.  And it's ok.