Redneck Etiquette

A friend sent us the following in an email. If you consider yourself a redneck, please do not be offended. :)

PERSONAL HYGIENE >
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be > done in private using one's OWN truck keys >
2. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend > to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods. > >

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME >
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a > taxidermist. >
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his > manners are. > >

THEATER ETIQUETTE >
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately > after the movie has ended. >
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven > they can't hear you. > >

WEDDINGS >
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. >
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. >
3. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund > and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. >
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special > occasion. > >

DRIVING ETIQUETTE >
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles - even if the gun is > loaded, and the deer is in sight. >
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires > always has the right of way. >
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. >
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to > ask her to bring back a coffee. >
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. > >

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS >
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. >
2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.